News from Utopia
January, 2008
by Danny Schweers
At Mazzella's, the folks at the next table talked about the bloody fangs of the recently escaped and murderous Bengal Tiger in San Francisco. At our table, Annie Renzetti wanted to tell us all about the wayward hawk that flew through the window into Bev Barnett's house. She didn't get to tell the story. Everyone knew the tale, not just from Bev, but from Heidi Hoegger, who heard the crash and went to investigate. Heidi saw the shattered glass, and heard Bev's cries. Inside, Bev used a laundry basket to shoo the huge bird back out the window. "She went to great panes to get the bird out," says Annie's husband, Peter.
Frustrated that she could not tell us the hawk story, Annie, who is a large-animal veterinarian, told us about the worst animals she'd ever treated: llamas. They spit. It's not saliva, but something they pull from their upper stomach. It smells awful. It sticks. Once it is on your skin, you can't get the smell off with green soap or anything else. And these graceful, peaceful-looking animals can hit you from ten feet away. Annie does a remarkable imitation of a llama about to spit. Next time you see her, ask for a demonstration. Then jump back.
Foxes appear everywhere in Arden these days. They are across Naamans Creek in Arden. Chuck and Phyllis Conner in Ardencroft see foxes in their back yard along Perkins Run. Shari Phalan in Ardentown sees them trotting up her driveway. The Humane Society, by the way, advised Shari to stop feeding the racoons, something about creating an unnatural feeding center that fostered the spread of rabies, dengue fever, high inflation rates, and low self-esteem. She was feeding 22 racoons in all and had given them names: Bruce Springsteen, Faccia, Two Spot, Yul Brynner, and so on. The opossum - Bajaba - would play dead if the raccoons came upon him. There have been other wild animal sightings in the village as well: deer, owls, and one dachshund.
Okay, I know this isn't the news you want to hear. You want to know the dirt. The feuds. Who called the cops on who. You want to know The Shocking Truth About Women in the Woods. But that's not what I should write about. You see, I was on my way to the Fort Worth Federal Penitentiary in 1977 with the Rev. George Soltau, who advised me to meditate on a Bible verse, Philippians 4:8, "... if there is anything excellent or worthy of praise, think about these things." What a challenge for a writer! I relish gossip about disagreements and people in trouble. Stories of stupidity never fail to make me feel better. You know what I'm talking about: the guy leaves his snow blower running while he reaches inside to dislodge the rock. Two fingers later he asks the doctor if there is a cure for idiocy. I love these stories!
Fortunately, there are already fine writers heroically exposing our village's mental deficiency and hypocrisy. But reading them, you may get the impression Arden is like any other community, full of power trips, paybacks, and insufficient thought. We have those but we also have people like Jim Schwaber, who comes up to you at a Gild Hall concert to tell you about the lecture he's about to give at Johns Hopkins, "What is Life Now?" In 1944, the physicist Edwin Schrodinger published an influential book, What is Life?, a book that encouraged scientists to create a molecular picture of the gene as a miniature code with a one-to-one correspondence with a highly complicated and specified plan of development. (With one sentence, I've lost 81.3% of my readers.) Jim's lecture challenges scientists to create new biological models that recognize that life doesn't follow blueprints built into DNA but is adaptive and purposeful.
Are there PhDs in other communities wondering out loud if they can fix a blown head gasket by pouring ten gallons of Instant Miracle LeakSeal into their car's engine? Happily, Carl Falco discovered the problem wasn't a blown gasket but an easily fixed hole in the radiator. All he wanted was the car to last a few months longer, just long enough until his son, Jack, joins the U.S. Army, fulfilling a life-long dream.
Are there other communities where David McClintock can be told by his doctor to eat pomegranates and then, that night, at a potluck dinner, discover that someone has brought pomegranate juice and, someone else, a salad with pomegranates? No, pomegranates are not a cure for cancer but they are high in anti-oxidants. And that's no oxidant.
Are there other communities that host concerts? Yes. Do these cook dinner for the artists? Perhaps. Do they prepare a better meal than Amy Pollock and the Dinner Gild prepared for the 39-member Morgan State University Choir? Not possible. Afterwards, the choir gave a memorable performance. And, taking a final bow, the director flattered us by saying we were the warmest audience for whom they had ever performed (and they have performed all over the world).
Are there other communities that once had their own annual golf tournament? Communities where people read books in French and speak mock Italian? Perhaps. Are there other communities willing to publish scribblings like these? I hope not!